As I mentioned in my previous post I’ve been working through a study on 1 Samuel. One of the more recent sessions began a discussion that really struck a nerve with me. I’ve never been in a situation that has left my faith shattered to pieces. I haven’t experienced that moment that makes me really question if God is real or if I’ve chosen the wrong path for my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have questions…they just aren’t devastating, life-altering questions.

This particular topic though has given me something to think about over the last few weeks and I’m sure it will resonate with many fellow, Christ-followers.

It started with a read of 1 Samuel 16:1-23…if you have a moment, read the passage because it’s a great portion of scripture but what led to the big question can be found in verse 14, “Now the Spirit of the LORD had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD tormented him.” I have read the story of Samuel, Saul, David and Jonathan but have NEVER come across that passage in a meaningful way. Do you see what it says and what the implications of that scripture could be? I read it, I studied my bible study notes, I poured over that small passage for days. How could the evil spirit that tormented Saul have possibly come from God. First I couldn’t fathom the God I know to be in any kind of relation with evil and second, that He would choose to SEND an evil spirit to torment His own creation. It seemed to have so many implications…does that mean God controls all the evil in this world, does He purposefully send bad things to the lives of His children, how can He love us so much but do these types of horrible things to us. I struggled with this question into the next week as we talked about Hannah and her barrenness. I questioned how a loving God could then purposefully close the womb of such a godly woman (if you read the story of Hannah, you see that she LOVED God and served Him, yet He continued to keep her womb closed). Does this same loving God close the wombs of women today and why does He do this? Does He give cancer to those sitting in hospital waiting to die? Does He purposefully cause floods, tsunamis, earthquakes, that devastate nations to their very center?

My brain continued to argue and my heart began feeling weighted with this terrible sorrow for the image of who MY God was and that I was losing that image to a much darker picture. It wasn’t so much that I felt He wasn’t/isn’t God but that MY God of grace, mercy, HAPPILY EVER AFTER…wasn’t so true. My picture was becoming tainted with reality and understanding of a MUCH BIGGER God!!!

Maybe age really does bring wisdom, maybe experience brings wisdom, maybe it’s both or maybe it’s just the true desire and seeking after God’s heart brings clarity to faith.

A few things came across my path the following week and a half that gave me a more stable perspective but I just couldn’t let go of this idea that God has somehow caused great suffering in those who love Him and a feeling of great letdown at this revelation. Why? Why would you do that…How could you do that…Don’t you love us so much more than that???

My heart’s desire is to know and follow but my intellectual mind cries for understanding and justification.

I prayed and peace came…I wasn’t about to let Satan have a stronghold like that and I know that God was fighting that battle too. But I came across a short article posted by a co-worker that nailed it on the head for me.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/features/24107-the-tested-faith-of-matt-chandler

Again if you have time read the whole article but if not then here’s a brief synopsis and what really struck me. This pastor is famous (I’ve never heard of him but he preaches in the states to a congregation of 7000). He’s young, married with three children. As he puts it everything he’d touched turned to gold…until the day he was diagnosed with cancer of the brain. Brain surgery, chemo, seizure, recovery, not a hopeful prognosis at all but this was his response…

“There’s this part of me that’s so grateful that the Lord counted me worthy for this.”

This was, of course, the first flash of, “wow, I think I need a shift in perspective of this whole, what is God doing thing”! Then he followed it up with these thoughts…

“After all, if he believes God is sovereign in all things and that events in a Christian’s life are God’s will, does that mean God gave him cancer? And if He didn’t, what does that say about His sovereignty and perfect will?”…”Chandler says. “I don’t think God gave me cancer … but He knew it was coming. He certainly didn’t stop it, and He’s certainly able to. The whole Scripture is: bad things happen in a fallen world, and God is enough in those things and uses those things to the Glory of His own name.”…“It’s not punitive; it’s not random; and it has not been given to us by God to show us who’s boss,” Chandler says. “There’s a purpose in it; there’s a limit in it; and in the end, God is not going to give to us what He will not sustain us in. And I believe at that moment, the Holy Spirit gives you the power to stand. That’s exactly what we found out. And I’m rejoicing in what He’s doing in it.”

How on earth could I possibly argue the Sovereignty of a God I’ve committed my life to when all the “earth-shaking” that’s happened in my life is a simple bible study on 1 Samuel. I’ve never experienced this type of life-or-death situation so why would I need to question who God is and why He does what He does.

In truth it gave me perspective. Perhaps I will face tragedy in my life…I have no doubt I will face hardship but perhaps that tidbit of information will prepare me to make a statement such as Matt Chandler. Perhaps it will serve to strengthen my resolve to allow God complete control over my life instead of holding back.

If my deepest heart were known it would reveal that I still doubt, I still question, I still wonder how this all lines up but my conscious mind is choosing to leave some questions to be answered on the day I meet my Creator. Perhaps in the meantime I can find that balance between God’s Sovereignty and His utter devotion and deep love for His children that would soften His heart to hear our prayers as we DO seek to do His will.

Before Christmas we took the kids to Van Dusen Botanical Gardens. It was so beautiful and the kids really enjoyed themselves. We debated on the Stanley Park train but we wanted something different and this was something I remembered from my childhood.

I think for this one I’ll just focus on posting pictures. They pretty much speak for themselves. I will admit that this year has been super difficult for me to get back into the routine of school, life, work, everything in general after a very enjoyable Christmas vacation. James had the entire week off between Christmas and New Years and we really just focused on spending time as a family. We vegged, we played, we bonded, we relaxed…everything you do on holidays we managed to accomplish.

Christmas was fun. We spent December 18th with James’ family for Christmas this year because his younger brother and girlfriend were heading to Japan to spend Christmas with her family this year. It was a little strange and I think a little bizarre for my mother-in-law to have it so early but on the other hand it really helped to keep everything from being crammed into one weekend. Christmas eve we did our usual service at church and appys with James’ dad, mom and youngest brother. Christmas morning was just the six of us and the kids actually slept until 7:30:) Then we headed to my parents with my brothers, sister-in-laws and nephew. It was very relaxing and fun. My mom was really eager to start some new traditions with her grandkids this year so we acted out the Christmas story while my dad read it, then we sang some Christmas carols. My mom and James played their guitars, Ben played the djembe and the kids all had some small instruments (triangles, tambourines, shakers, etc.). Oh yeah, and we did an “ugly sweater” Christmas picture with my family too! It was very amusing. Christmas itself was wonderful and the days after were even better.

Life gets busy, Christmas is nearly upon us and in this moment I think I’m content! I have no other feelings or words to describe where I’m at. There isn’t anything significant that needs to be included in this blog…no big changes occurring in our lives, just living:)

James is more than happy at his new job and to see him love what he’s doing, come home with a smile on his face and hear his energy left to share with his children is so incredibly refreshing and such a blessing to us as the road we’ve travelled to get here seems long. Don’t get me wrong there are many others who have journeyed much, MUCH more difficult trials than us but when you live it, the trial is all consuming and sucks the life right out of you. To be in a place of contentment and rest just illuminates the place you’ve come from. I can honestly say that God has blessed my husband’s commitment and stick-to-itiveness (not a work I realize, but I’m sure you all get the meaning).

I enjoy what I do. It can be overwhelming at times living the life of working mom…I admire women who do it fulltime or, even more so, single moms who work and are both mom and dad. I find I have to consciously take off my work hat and put on my “mom” hat…on the days I don’t work the kids need me to focus on them and take time to just be with them. All in all I wouldn’t change a thing but I do have to keep perspective and continue to ask God for strength and wisdom.

The kids are all doing relatively well. The odd situation arises here and there as is the case in any household and parenting is hardwork but in most cases tremendously rewarding. As I watch my friends and see how we all strive to raise “good” children… I appreciate that God has given us all such individuality. Each household raises their kids so differently but watching such amazing children emerge is a testament to the spirit in which God created us…each unique and individual with different ideas, opinions and viewpoints. These continue in the generation that follows us and as parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents we get to contribute to the molding these little beings. Such an immense blessing…I think that’s where I find it the most daunting…knowing that what I do does make a difference and I KNOW that I DO NOT always do it right. That’s why I cling to God’s grace.

I think if I were to try to use one word to encapsulate this period of my life I would definitely use the word GRACE! Grace for my mistakes, grace in providing for our needs above and beyond, grace for my impatience, etc. the list goes on of course but most importantly I feel a sense of presence, God’s presence that just gives me peace. I am learning not to worry, learning to let go, learning to allow who He is to literally surround who I am in turn, pour out of me. I’m sure to some I am desperately lacking but even in this I am learning to just concern myself with what God thinks. It’s a freeing concept (my girlfriends are laughing at this word because of a previous conversation we’ve had, sorry about the inside joke, but I mean this in the spiritual sense, ladies). It’s allowing to mull spiritual questions, have deep conversations with God alone and although I seek council of wise, respected individuals I need less and less approval of others and find more joy in just being.

I’ve digressed a great deal so I should probably sign-off but for those who are still checking my blog occasionally, I’m still here just not necessarily making it a priority to blog. Thanks for reading and as always I value any insight you might have ir thoughts you might like to share:)

I just wanted to keep record of a few funny things that have happened in our home the last few days and what better place to do that then to share it with a few of my friends as well.

It should be no surprise to anyone who knows Lanae that she has very set ideas on when it will be appropriate for her to kiss a boy. She has already determined that she doesn’t kiss anyone on the lips unless she’s married to them, and that includes me! It’s funny and strange all at the same time and I have it in my mind to remind her of that when she turns 14 or 15 and wants to start kissing boys. The other day we were reading a story of Cinderella and she was quite interested in if they got married at the end or not. They didn’t because it wasn’t the original Cinderella but I commented on how she would love to plan her wedding and that she would hopefully get a wonderful man whom she could kiss once she got married. She proceeded to inform me that she would not let him kiss her on the lips but that she would let him kiss her on the hand IF she was wearing her glove. Such a funny comment but again a reminder of how determined and adamant she can be about ideas she gets in her head.

Another great moment this past week was our experience deciding whether or not to register Jake for dance class. Jake has always been an extremely rhythmic person so it hasn’t been hard coming to grips with his excitement for a dance class. We took him to a jazz/musical theater class to try but determined that because it was all girls he would eventually not appreciate that dynamic. We thought it might be a good idea to try the hip hop class that followed for a few minutes. A few minutes turned into the entire class and 2 hours later Jake had successfully completed two full classes. He came home exuberant about the Christmas performance and adamant that he wanted to take the hip hop class. Later that evening he informed me that he really liked his instructor. He said, “Miss Marissa, has the best skin to touch mom because it’s so warm!” Ahh, that’s my Jakie, a lover to the core. Needless to say dance/dramatic arts will be a success with my second son and I’m sure he will excel in it just as Sam has excelled in football.

The last time we had a visit to the aquarium Jake was about the same age Annie is now. I loved seeing the reactions of the boys to the many aquatic displays and just enjoying time as a family in a new environment.

This time was a little different because we had all four of the kids and we ventured there with all of James’ family as well. It was a great experience and what I think I enjoyed the most was the trek in as James’ reminisced a bit about his childhood. James’ Nana used to live in North Vancouver and he told us that his family, of 5, would often make the trek out after church on Sunday for a visit. He took the route they traveled and showed us the general area where she lived. Then off for an afternoon of observation.

Something about trips like this bring us together. I think it has to do with God’s creation and the beauty about it that intrigues us and allows us to enjoy the experience together. The kids were eager and I’m quite certain liked all they saw.

Watching the dolphins was probably the highlight for us. They are such a beautiful animal and incredibly smart. The kids were enthralled with their performance and I was again reminded of the majesty of creation around us and the little I actually know about the many amazing things in the world around me.



I also really like jellyfish. I’m not exactly sure what it is about this display that I like but I think it’s the color of the tank water and the florescent creatures that can be potentially dangerous.


These last two pictures just reminded me of why people get these crazy stories of “swamp” monsters and undersea creatures that turn into blown out of proportion myths that go on for years and years.


We stopped for dinner on the way back at a place James and his family often ate. I’d been there once before and although I still don’t understand the appeal I can appreciate the sentimental attachment they have to a place where many fond memories remain. The kids were quiet on the way back and the three youngest were asleep before we reached the bridge.

So at this moment my brain is far from putting into words some of the thoughts that are in my head but it’s been awhile and I have missed a few important events in our home so I’m going to try to get his on record while I have a few quiet moments:)

October 15th was a good day to celebrate a precious little lady in our home. Annie was not unlike her sister, in that she was in a hurry to make it into this work as well. It’s funny how details of a child’s birth seem to mimic a bit of their personality in years to come. Annie is a sweet little girl, with a vibrant personality. She’s not always in a hurry to do things but she is determined to do them her own way. So many people comment on how cute she is and her personality definitely shines through in almost every situation. She is quick to smile and very affectionate. She loves her brothers and wants to do pretty much anything Lanae does. She is my snuggle bunny and I am so thankful that she enjoys quiet times of just sitting in my lap. She loves to chat and already uses her many words to make sure she gets her point across.

I love having this sweet child as my baby and know that she will be a delight in my life for years to come.