It’s been more than a year since I found a moment to share the words of my heart through this forum; unbelievable to think that a year has past already! I remember being a teenager and thinking my life would NEVER really start. Now, many years later, my life has indeed started and is in fact passing so quickly. I have a teenager who is sprouting like a weed and three more following closely in his footsteps. LIFE IS BUSY! It’s the kind of busy that is amazingly rewarding but also keeps you from stopping to smell the roses without purposeful steps.
Someone asked me that today. It was a heartbreaking question in the wake of a tragic circumstance. Both of us sitting on the sidelines of someone else’s tragedy but feeling the soul-crushing loss deep in our own souls because we live in community and we share each other’s burdens.
It doesn’t end, my dear. But it changes for those of us on the sidelines. Our heart scars bear testimony to what we witnessed and life goes on. What changes is the pit in our stomach goes away and the memory of the tragedy doesn’t haunt us in every moment. We daily are reminded, often in the little things, because it’s impossible to forget. The tears don’t flow every time we relive the moments but the heaviness remains in the memories.
Sometimes I remember something about that day or week or month and my mind relives the entire process. Sometimes it stretches that scar enough to make it hurt and other times it feels like the pain of a wound reopened. It’s never far from my mind, easily retrieved from the corners of my mind to be understood and not understood all at one time.
Sometimes it’s in the witness of another’s circumstance that we are brought back to the gut-wrenching knowledge of our own loss. But as time passes we are able to pick ourselves up much quicker. To find the joy in the places we know we can, to continue with the life we’ve been given.
I felt that today after the question had been asked. I stood in the pew in our morning worship service, thankful as always to be surrounded by people I love and who love me. My children crowded into the chairs beside and in front of me. Sunday mornings are often mornings of remembrance for me. I still can’t define why this is the case but I often find myself thinking of little Ryker as I worship. This morning my heart was full but he wasn’t far from my mind. Then a dear friend shared her heart. She shared of God’s mercy in the midst of tragedy and I was thankful for the reminder. But seconds later I felt the opening of my heart as my youngest son, hurdled the chairs in front of me, into my arms and sobbed, great heaving sobs into my chest. He felt it too. The reopening of a that wound, the recognition that suffering on this earth doesn’t ever end.
We find joy because God has shown us mercy but the sorrow never ends. It just changes. It is there for us to give back to Him daily. To live with the peace that one day it will be taken from us. But until that day it reminds us that we cannot travel this earth alone. It brings us back to His feet, seeking comfort.
Dear friend, it will end the day we come face to face with our Creator and alongside those gone before us, are able to lay ourselves at His feet.
I’VE BEEN BUSY…
It has been a few weeks since I’ve touched the pages of this blog. I could say it’s because I’ve been busy and that would be true to a degree…I’ve been busy reacquainting myself with my children after a very long year of being tied up with studies, I’ve been busy galavanting through the natural beauty of the province I live in, I’ve been busy reconnecting with friends whom get neglected when the chaos of school and extra-curricular takes priority, I’ve been busy, busy, busy.
OR PERHAPS I HAVEN’T HAD MUCH TO SAY.
I love blogging. I love journalling. It gives me a chance to look back and see where I’ve been, how my journey has unfolded and perhaps give me insight into where I’m headed. But there are times that life goes quiet. I contemplated an update about how life was going in our home earlier in the summer but it seemed a bit silly to spend time sitting in front of a blank screen and imagine some important words to share when really life has been pretty average.
AVERAGE BUT AWESOME!
Okay “average” makes it sound like we’ve done nothing and that’s not entirely true. James and I navigated an across the world trip for 12 days that was amazingly successful and enjoyed that opportunity immensely. Our children survived and even more than enjoyed their time with both sets of grandparents. We’ve done some pretty cool small trips with our kids this summer. I took the kids to Whistler at for a few days with friends and we enjoyed the sights of a magnificent piece of nature that I haven’t seen in 13 years. The six of us also headed to Seattle for a day and night for a Mariners game and to stay in a hotel. It was only one night but our kids were ecstatic to have our attention for 48 hours and the thrill of a hotel with a pool never seems to lose its appeal. We did the PNE for a day and I took the kids back to Whistler with my parents to experience the peaks of those beautiful mountains. We stayed in “our own backyard”, so to speak, and enjoyed all it had to offer.
We’ve also spent a great deal of time with family, cousins and friends just basking in the glorious weather and the joy of being spontaneous! Sleepovers, BBQs, bowling, swimming, etc. have been incredibly fabulous.
As our summer has drawn to a close we’ve faced some serious uncertainty! Many families on our side of the Coast are in the same boat. The usual anticipation, anxiety, and excitement has turned to a seemingly endless summer. While my kids are not really upset by the whole situation, I feel the wearing on them and the need of return to routine. We’re trying to make the best of a situation that appears to have no end. A return to the routine of extra-curricular activities, the addition of a few “educational” endeavors at home and the hope that school will return to regular session VERY soon.
As we get back to some of the normal things we do I’m hoping to add a few more thoughts to my blog! Share some of the joys of parenting, marriage and eventually joys of my new journey of teaching.