It’s been more than a year since I found a moment to share the words of my heart through this forum; unbelievable to think that a year has past already! I remember being a teenager and thinking my life would NEVER really start. Now, many years later, my life has indeed started and is in fact passing so quickly. I have a teenager who is sprouting like a weed and three more following closely in his footsteps. LIFE IS BUSY! It’s the kind of busy that is amazingly rewarding but also keeps you from stopping to smell the roses without purposeful steps.
In this season of life, I find myself fulfilled, full, grateful, and then in moments, guilty that I spent so much time living this life that perhaps I am missing something important. My relationship with God has changed. It’s comfortable, it’s there and, well, just there. It hasn’t been nurtured but I don’t doubt it’s substantial impact on who I am and what I do. But at the end of the day, I have given so much that I have nothing left to give. In these moments of being a wife, mother, daughter, teacher, and, and, and, little bits of me are left everywhere. I do so willingly! I do so lovingly! I do so with the utmost fulfillment and understanding that I am EXACTLY where I should be and who I should be. But then there is this expectation that has comes from somewhere. I can identify where it came from, it came from humanity, it came from “christianity”, it came from growing up in the church, it’s built over the years into something that I am content to cast aside.
I have wrestled through my early 30’s thinking that I should FEEL something more, thinking that I am definitely not going deep enough and therefore I must be failing miserably at this thing called faith. Then I hit a bit of wall. I had a conversation with a friend that was literally on repeat for a number of years. It involved me asking the same question over and over, “am I totally screwing this up and disappointing God?”!! Every time I received some encouragement and every time I walked away not feeling settled but really not sure where to go with it. This year I’ve come to a place of acceptance which is SO incredibly freeing. My faith is MINE. It looks different from yours, it feels different than yours, it’s been grounded in different experiences than yours, it fits ME like a glove and it’s a result of a God that is big enough to have created each of us to be different. I am growing, but my growth doesn’t look like yours and I should probably stop lamenting what I “should” be doing and resting in what I am doing.
Hahaha, and then in the midst of writing this post I come across this. See, God even has a sense of humour to remind me that I am bang on in where I am. I realize that doesn’t mean I’m perfect, lest you mistake these light-bulb moments as me thinking I have life figured out, it means I am trusting that God is doing what He always intended to do and I am just along for the ride. There is literally nothing that I can do that will make this life something He didn’t already intend it to be.
I think that part of this journey for me is the lack of discussion that revolves around just resting in God. There is always a podcast, a bible study, a conversation, or something that says, you should be doing SOMETHING that draws you closer to God. The truth, I’ve discovered, is that I cannot draw closer to Him, I can DO so many things that SHOULD draw me closer to him and still feel miles away. What I need is to keep my heart, mind and soul open and He draws me closer to Himself. Grace is defined as the unmerited or undeserving favour of God. I am resting in His Amazing Grace that covers every part of me.