Passage of Time

Today marks the anniversary of Ryker Leif’s birth and death.  To be honest I wasn’t really sure how I’d feel today.  There are certainly less tears shed as time has passed.  They still come on occasion but less frequently.  I thought perhaps the day would pass as every other day has with the acknowledgement that there is still grief but the sharp pain of it has passed to a dull ache.  But truthfully the past week has brought different waves of sorrow.  I have seen countless pregnant bellies, newborn babies, and toddlers.  I’m not sure if perhaps I’m uber aware of them at this moment in time or if the Spring has truly brought about so much new-ness of life.  Whatever the case I feel acutely aware of the should have beens.

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It’s been way too long since I’ve posted on my own, personal blog.  I had grand plans to blog every Tuesday and make it a “Teacher Tuesday” blog but the busyness of life as well as the intensity of the courses and my practicum just got the better and I had to prioritize.  As much as this avenue of outlet is important to me sometimes, we have to make sacrifices.

This past year has been amazing, overwhelming, crazy, fun, and a whole list of very descriptive words.  I wish I could say it was a breeze…that because it was where God placed me it was a snap but much like many other journeys we face in our life times it has been challenging.  Balancing family, school, activities, etc. is an interesting  task!  Thankfully that task was made simpler by an amazing husband who chose to move his career in the direction of a new business and home office to accommodate my workload (and yes starting your own business adds a very interesting dynamic to an already crazy year).  Plus two great sets of grandparents who are extremely dedicated to being a part of their grandchildren’s lives AND some amazing friends who have stood in the gap so many times!  Without all these phenomenal people in my life this year would have looked very different.

During the last few months there have been so many “ah-ha” moments for me!  Some as an educator, some as a parent, some as a wife but each contributing to the expansion of my pool of knowledge.  My course work has given me tools to move forward in the dream of becoming a teacher and I can honestly say that I feel equipped in a way I never was before to face the world of unit planning, lesson planning, classroom management, assessment, and so on and so forth.  I have felt fulfillment in my life in so many ways and this year is just one more opportunity to say that I know this is where I’m supposed to be.  Despite the challenges of discovering who I may be in a classroom I walked away feeling confident and certain that God has gifted me to face this new adventure.

As a parent I wouldn’t say I’ve changed but I think that I have a deeper understanding of how my children are affected at school.  I know that the mornings I send them to school rushed and busy, frustrated and disappointed or angry does impact how they function.  It’s not a guilt trip and it’s unlikely that it will never happen again but it makes me want to ensure I help them start their day off right AND it helps me know that when they come home from those days and the report isn’t necessarily good that I should really have more grace for the attitude because there’s no telling what else they may have faced in the day.

As a wife, this year has helped me to appreciate my husband more.  To recognize the love we share is deeper and more certain than it was when we were newlyweds and that he is, in fact, my partner in all aspects of life.  It’s helped me to appreciate his commitment to his family, to me and to our children.  To see how much he is willing to lay on the line to provide and the risks he will take to ensure his presence in our lives.  And most importantly, to see myself through his eyes.  To feel the pride and love he has for me and my accomplishments and recognize that they are as much his as they are mine.

In the weeks to come as I wrap up the last semester of my coursework, apply for my actual certificate, wait patiently (or not so patiently) to hear word regarding employment with my local school district and cross the stage to receive my diploma, I know that I can walk away feeling good.  No matter what the future holds I am walking a path designed uniquely for me, with the people placed by my side to encourage, bless and challenge me.  I am thankful for the tears of frustration, the knots in my stomach, the not-so-great exchanges that have led to laughter, confidence and deep conversations to build and shape me for this next leg of the journey.

I know there will be many more to share, moments of questioning, silly stories, fun adventures, deep pondering and reflection.  But for this moment in time I will rest and soak up the accomplishment thus far.  I will celebrate the victory that it is and look forward to the next challenge.




Should Girls Be Highly Educated“…There are rarely things that get me super heated I feel the need to respond with such tenacity but this was the title of a blog post I came across on Facebook today and felt physically ill as I read it.  Perhaps in reading her commentary I misinterpreted her points but honestly being in the place I’m in at the moment, it felt like a punch in the gut.  I will NEVER underestimate the value of the time I’ve had at home with my children as a mother.  I know being able to stay at home with my babies was a blessing many mothers are not afforded for a variety of reasons and some by choice.  What I found so hard to swallow was the mindset this viewpoint portrays.  Being thinly veiled as a “biblical” principle with a few select verses to support her argument I found it, quite frankly, incredibly arrogant to presume that the role for all women, of all time is to be keeper of the home, family and her husband.  Below are some of the snippets I found particularly “intriguing” and while I tried to be fair in grabbing things that may have provided equal evidence to her argument it all seemed equally distasteful…

“I’m always surprised to discover these questions typically come from college graduates; teachers, nurses, and others turned homemakers. They have exchanged their diploma for their MRS degree, believing (as I do) that the most important place for a mother is in the home. In the face of cultural opposition, they see the value of a homemaker and understand her importance in light of Scripture….

How many unhappy marriages, broken homes, miserable, desperate wives, and rebellious children will it take before we admit that intentionally preparing our daughter to be keepers of the home is not just “a nice idea,” but a necessary one?…

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I’m pretty sure no one ever told me raising boys would be easy!  In fact I’ve never heard anyone say raising any child(ren) would be easy.  I do feel privileged, in a way, to have the experience of raising two boys and two girls.  You see, there is an interesting dynamic that occurs between brothers and one that occurs between sisters.  I could probably write a series of books for both, but for the sake of today’s post I’ll focus on all things “snips and snails and puppy dog tails”!!!

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The day is looming and no amount of stalling will halt it…Next week will mark 6 months since we said goodbye to a precious little boy and let a piece of our hearts go with him.  I speak from a different place than his mommy and daddy but we still share the sorrow and grief of missing him deeply, feeling his absence in the most remarkable way and never knowing when his memory will surface. Continue reading

Living with the blur

We all know there are times when you just aren’t sure exactly what the plan is and you don’t even know where to start to figure it out.  I feel a little like that these days.  I have nothing to complain about in the big picture of things so I won’t do that, but I do often wonder what the bigger picture actually looks like.  This week has already been amazingly interesting and it was only Tuesday night when I started this and it’s only gotten more intriguing, although, I guess in fairness there isn’t much in my life that’s just quiet and slow-paced.  Most of my life is lived in a bit of a blur and while I know there is constant encouragement from various places to just slow down and live in the moment I literally feel like this stage of my life is somewhat out of my control when it comes to the pace.  I know I can choose to add things or not but quite frankly there is little I can take away at this point.

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Okay so it’s been way too long since I updated my blog!  A few things have happened along the way, probably two of the most significant events include starting school and becoming an auntie again!  Funny thing is that both happened on the same day…weird to say the least.  Over the last two weeks both of these events have given me opportunity for a great deal of reflection and added an element of emotion to my life.

At this point I don’t think I’ll have time or energy to get into too much detail but there are a few things I would love to share…


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Lately I’ve been thinking about why my life is what it is!  Sounds like a deep question right, but honestly it’s not!  The last few weeks, in particular the loss of my sweet nephew, the changes happening in my career and schooling, and some changes happening at James’ work, have got me thinking about how my perspective has shifted.  It’s little things I notice here and there, nothing major or dramatic but little moments that 2 months ago may have put me over the edge that NOW just cause me to shrug my shoulders and keep plodding forward.

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