Category Archives: Belief

Letting go…

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I will probably write this post multiple times in my life…in fact I found its sister on the pages of my blog from two and half years ago when the letting go was merely beginning.  The fact of the matter is that life really is about letting go many times over.  We find things, people, events, moments and we reach out to grasp them.  We hold them close for a time and then realize it’s time to let go, then we repeat the cycle again with something new and fresh.  I find myself in a season of letting go and it’s really not a bad thing, in fact in so many ways it’s been very freeing.  If I were to spend time analyzing it I could say it may be the years of maturity or perhaps the realization that I can’t control everything anyway, or even better, things just being pried from my tight grip.  Regardless of the circumstance I’m glad I am in a place to experience this immense burden being lifted.

The truth is, that part of my personality has always been to maintain, organize, control (if you will) the situation.  My brothers liked to refer to me as the “mother hen” or “bossy pants”, both of which I’ll freely admit to being.  My husband teasingly refers to me as his “little planner/organizer”, again both things that I can see as glaringly obvious tendencies.  I do think that all of these qualities have their place, they’re all part of my talents and abilities and what makes me who I am, but they can also be part of my weakness.  They cause me to hold on too tight, to forget that part of our life journey is to let things go and move ahead.  Over the years, I think there are a few areas I’ve held on a little too tightly, my family, both immediate and extended, my friendships, money, reputation, just to name a few.  But the last few months I’ve felt my perspective shift a bit.  While you may be expecting an amazing experience that led to some great epiphany, the truth is that my eyes are just opening.

The reminder that things can be great and amazing without my firm grip has occurred daily.  As I’ve stepped back and opened my hands I’ve seen the great joy that comes with acknowledging that I control little and that there is One who oversees all.  Here’s a few, that over the last few weeks have brought me to a place of peace…

An evening with friends, that I could have spent stressing over the budget, or lack thereof.  I could have agonized over appetizers or not, steak or salad, a glass of wine with my meal or abstain, dessert or just have something sweet at home but instead I turned to my dear husband and told him to pay the bill and keep it far from my sight.  The reward of just enjoying myself was immense.  No knot in my stomach wondering how on earth we were going to pay for this.

A dinner with family that I walked into with the soul purpose of enjoying what EVERYONE had to offer.  No worries about what may or may not unfold, no apologies for how I handled my children, no desire or need to discuss dos and don’ts, just pure and simple being together.

A last minute dinner with my husband and a co-worker that resulted in leaving our oldest home to baby-sit and for the first time put his sisters to bed.  Then to be rewarded by coming home at exactly bedtime, for said little girls, and find both of them peacefully sleeping in bed.

A work event, glitches here and there, but trusting those whom I’ve asked to help and releasing my expectation in exchange for knowledge that what will be, will be.

A spontaneous jaunt to the mall with all four of my kids.  Usually a place I avoid, but their desperate plea to shop broke my barriers.  A few well placed words and a “letting go” of my usual need to corral and ensure they appear to be the most well-behaved children in the entire universe left me with the amazing opportunity to watch them “grow up” right before my eyes.  It was as if they physically sensed my grip loosening and with that realization came the ability for them to finally take that moment to show me just how incredibly great they CAN be.

So many opportunities to experience the peace and joy that comes from recognizing that my need to have it all together generally makes a situation chaotic.  When I choose to let go, I give room to experience the bigger picture that my Creator has designed and the ability for others to journey alongside me in the most fulfilling, uplifting way.

 

Ticket to Heaven

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In November I posted about an upcoming interview that I was preparing for as part of my job. I spent hours preparing, pouring over the “right” answers to the questions that may be posed, talking to the people I trust to help guide me in my spiritual growth and then trusting that God would guide me to answer appropriately.

Yesterday dawned bright and clear, I was feeling nervous but extremely hopeful! I’d spent the night before re-reading my study notes with confidence that I could answer the questions they threw at me with some sense of confidence. I arrived at my destination with plenty of time to glance over my notes one last time and then relax. I was greeted and introduced to the four individuals who would conduct my interview and the usual pleasantries followed. I gave them a synopsis of my life, my family, my journey to my current position…then they dove right in.

This is about where I’ll end the commentary and say that I am so thankful that my guarantee of entry into Heaven was so much easier than facing this panel of individuals. I’m very glad that God has given me the reassurance of salvation beyond my futile efforts at remembering references down to the chapter and verse or memorizing word for word large portions of scripture or the entirety of scripture. I am a proponent of scripture memory, there’s no question about that, but I will be the first to admit that it is not my strong point and from the first question asked of me I felt frozen in place by my inability to answer correctly many of the questions initially asked.

I feel blessed that God honored my desire to serve him and the prayer that I prayed as I drove in, that He would allow my passion for the children I serve and my love for Him to shine through despite anything I might say. That answer to prayer was my saving grace when it came down to the wire. I can celebrate that I was successful in fulfilling the obligation I had, to meet those specific requirements as part of my employment but I was reminded again, through this process that God is gracious. That He alone holds the knowledge of the world, that He has no expectation of any human being to accurately and adequately explain who He is and what His purpose is. That faith is much simpler than that and as believers we can hold tight to His ability to reveal himself to us in many, many ways. One of the verses that will be forever burned into my brain (mainly because it was one of the many that I could not direct the panel to) is Hebrews 11:1 and it reaffirms to me my responsibility to God but also the basic truth of everything I stand for.

My beliefs and knowledge of scripture may come into question (by those both for me and against me), I may be asked to explain what has led me where I am today, somebody may want to know whether my theology is correct or incorrect and really I’m okay with being held accountable and questioned but what I am most relieved about is that the ultimate judgement and questioning comes from the One who created me, the One who knows me inside and out, the One who loves me more than anything else. My hope and joy remains with the One who is PERFECT!